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Mental Health on Tour

 

More of the industry is now beginning to talk about the mental health of everyone within it, specifically those of us who are affected by being on tour. Unfortunately, even with those who advocate for it, the majority of the industry is still greatly affected by terrible mental health conditions. In general terms, the tours, the companies, etc. do not seem to care beyond presenting to the public that they have been to panels, or participated in workshops, but do not actually apply it to their team. How do we practice what we preach? How do we hold the correct people responsible?

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if mental health in the industry had a handbook or a map of sorts?

Tamsin Embleton does just that with her book Touring and Mental Health: The Music Industry Manual.

Topics Include:

Embleton clearly did her six years of research and three years of writing with over 80 interviews with other professionals in the industry. The book covers A LOT of ground: addiction, the general stress of the industry, depression of post-show/tour, the anxiety of travel days and pre-show, eating disorders and why we don’t get much nutrition while out on the road, relationships you form within the industry and outside of it, and the most common health issues we see in the industry

On the opposite end of that spectrum, however, Embleton recently made public “A call to arms from a touring friend, who has worked on the road for several decades at a high level. We need those in positions of power to carefully consider the health implications of routing and scheduling. We need systemic and cultural change.”

 

Do we need to hold the companies responsible for these conditions? Do we as the technical team need to speak up more and say “No. I’m not doing that.” when we could lose our jobs if we were to utter such a phrase? Do the artists and performers need to be more understanding when they ask for something to be done and be prepared to be told no? Who do we hold accountable? If we were to hold the companies responsible, or the artists were to be prepared to hear no, or the techies say no loudly, what would the new cost of this be, and who’s new cost would it be?

Healthy Practices for the Audio Professional – The Physical Body

Recently, I have developed a desire for more information regarding better ways to take care of myself, specifically the professional me. I want more techniques and concepts tailored to my profession, regardless of what hat I am wearing that day. I also knew that I needed the how and why these techniques and concepts are being suggested to me. That way I could customize a routine to suit my ever-changing needs. I needed to find something that dove below the surface and I wanted to share my findings with others in the audio industry.

I began this process by sending out a survey to colleagues, peers, and friends. The survey asked what the individual does for work and what kind of concerns they have or struggles they face daily doing said work. The information I received ranged from anxieties for their body, to mental health issues, and personal challenges. I chose to first look into the physical concerns that surveyors had.  I collected practices, techniques, and backed research that could provide information to those who are looking to take better care of their body in the audio industry.

Posture

Posture is one of my problem areas and I was not surprised to hear reports of body pain in my survey. Responses like ‘Generally poor posture from prolonged periods at desk. Occasionally required to lift things beyond what I believe is safely within my strength capability,’ echoed similar situations that I have experienced. I broke posture down even further to take a look at specific bad habits and suggested practices that can aid in better posture and less aches and long-lasting pain.

A lot of our work as audio people is conducted sitting at a desk or standing for long periods of time. Prolonged sitting contributes to a flattening in the natural lumbar curve, muscle fatigue, and deconditioning of the lower back muscles (Jung). Not only is this going to cause immediate discomfort, but also long term health issues. Issues with posture and back pain are often considered to be challenges  faced when you are much older, however none of the survey respondents exceeded the age of thirty-five. There is also the factor that audio engineers and technicians heavily use and rely on their bodies. Excessive, heavy use is going to take a toll on the body, regardless of age. Once we cannot use it anymore, we can no longer do our job.

Similar to our ears needing breaks, our backs need them too. Ear and back fatigue go hand in hand in this industry. Prolonged sitting requires us to break up these stretches of time with movement. Getting up for a walk and stretch will also give your ears a break. I say stretching as a general term because any movement is welcome for this situation. Sitting puts a lot of stress on the discs in our back. Movement will help relieve some of that pressure and allow you to come back to the workstation feeling refreshed.

Rounded shoulders are another posture problem that is exhibited in my surrounding colleagues. This bad habit is personal to me as well and causes a great deal of pain. Similar to how sitting posture can affect and change the muscles in the lower back, this can also occur in the shoulders and neck. This can result in a reduced range of motion, muscle weakness when performing the easiest of tasks, and the individual being more prone to serious injury (Malmström). This poor posture puts the body out of alignment. Misalignment adds stress to the body and mind, decreases range of motion, pain and stiffness in the neck and shoulders, and limits the overall support that our spine can provide us.

I have learned several beneficial techniquest to free this region of my back. The Feldenkrais Method and exercises are some of the most helpful for me. Not only does this method help the body-mind connection, but the exercises can aid in easier movement, increased utilization of the nervous system, reduce muscle tension, and even aid in breathing. There is also Progressive Muscle Relaxation. This method is similar in it also supports a mind-body connection. However it functions a little differently. This relaxation technique incorporates tensing and relaxing muscle groups. It has been found to aid in relaxation and anxiety, help differentiate between tenseness and relaxation, and pinpoint problem areas. Oftentimes, people don’t recognize that they are holding tension, which is where PMR can help.

The last issue on the topic of posture is called Tech Neck or Computer Neck. It is something exhibited in every person who owns a phone. Most of us are also familiar with the term ergonomics. Someone who suffers severely from posture issues might consider setting up their workspace with ergonomics in mind. A good place to begin is with your computer screens and monitors. These should be an arms distance away with the top of the screen at eye level. This will keep you from looking downward at your work and deter you from slouching.

Lastly, like I said before, stagnation leads to stiffness and lack of movement leads to weak muscles and pain. Gentle rotation and stretching of the neck and head is going to relax these muscles. Don’t become a vulture at your desk.

Diet

Diet was also a unanimous issue sounded throughout the survey responses. One surveyor reports, ‘I generally don’t build the padding into my schedule for real meals, I very often find myself going to the King, the Clown, and the Colonel. Definitely starts to show itself after a weeklong gig of eating the greasiest food available.’ What I have seen from reports, diet comes with two issues. One being the above; not having access to the best food when on the job. Not only are these eating habits going to contribute to weight gain, but also increase rates of hypertension, high cholesterol, and diabetes (Bray). These are life long effects that can generally be avoided.

The second issue being the lack of understanding of nutritional value and how to use that to your advantage. If you feel like you are not eating enough, take a look at what you are putting into your body. What foods are high in good calories and what contain empty calories. Some high calorie food options are;

I like to incorporate high calorie foods into my snacks since my work is so fast paced. This helps me curate a rotation of snacks and meals that I can rely on for fulfillment. Things high in added sugars and fast food are where you are going to see a lot of empty calories.

Why are they deemed good calories though? True nourishment is going to help you with things like lack of energy, fatigue, headaches, dizziness, and muscle weakness. Those are also going to be some of the first signs that what you are eating is simply not cutting it for the demanding jobs we work. Good calories are not the only thing you are going to want to look out for.

Incorporating snacks that are high in antioxidants, antihypertensive, and contain natural beta blockers are going to also help your diet out. These properties have been found to support the cardiac system, help with migraines and anxiety, as well as blood pressure. Some of these options are;

Understanding the characteristics of foods and what they can offer you before you consume them can help you utilize food to your advantage and find a healthier way of eating when on the busy clock.

However, a lot of employees are given a per diem for their food. This can be exciting when you are in an area with lots of good food options, but can be devastating when you are not. Or you have a special diet like me. Fast food can easily become a constant. It can also be challenging when packing meals is not as accessible or financially feasible. For week-long gigs, packing food is no longer practical and if you are spending your own money outside of the per diem, trips to the grocery store add up quickly. I might suggest using your per diem for groceries and meal prepping if your employer is willing to give it to you in advance. For longer stretches of work where meal prepping is not an option, consider healthy and portable snacks that follow the information above. Try to develop conscious eating habits that incorporate gained understanding from this article and its research, and remember that it is better to eat fast food than not eat at all.

Natural and Artificial Light

Lack of natural light and elements are a constant complaint from those who work in dark environments like theatres. In my research, one respondent simply states, ‘Very long periods of sitting in one spot with very little sunlight.’ People are a lot like plants. We tend to flourish with the addition of a little sunlight. In a study titled ‘Why We Need More Nature at Work,’ researchers report with more exposure to natural sunlight and elements there is a decrease in stress related diseases, anxiety, depression, and even blood pressure.​​ This clearly shows a correlation between natural elements and an increase in mental health and stability. Who doesn’t want more of that?

Interestingly enough, researchers have also found little difference between the results of actual natural elements versus simulated elements. This includes things like visual representations of the outdoors and nature soundscapes.  So if you live in an urban jungle, consider giving this a try. Especially when so many of us don’t have easy access to things like window views and strolls through a park. Some other suggestions to prioritize light in your work life are;

On the other hand, too much sunlight can also be an issue. With the summer season approaching, engineers and technicians are stocking up on sunscreen. One respondent reports an understaffed +12 plus hour day, on top of a long day prior, where they nearly passed out from heat exhaustion. He was a danger to himself and others. We as individuals are accountable for ourselves and our preparedness, but companies should also be accountable for supplying their employees with what is needed for long days in the sun. Especially when overexposure can have life-threatening consequences.

As someone who has been a lifeguard and has worked many shows in the heat, it is always surprising to find out how little consideration sun protection is given. Or how little people know. Therefore, these are the suggestions made by health professionals in regards to protection from the sun and heat;

This section can offer insight to how employers can accommodate their employees during the hottest time of the year. It also outlines what employees might want to expect when arriving on the job site.

Relaxation & Slee

This is the subject that I personally feel gets surface level generalization. So let’s talk about methods of relaxation. As a sound designer and composer, I have a fascination with sound therapy. Delta and beta waves, binaural beats, soundscapes and music, naturescapes, and even white noise and certain frequencies have been found to be beneficial in the aid of relaxation (Salamon). Guided meditations are also a strong option in any mindfulness practice. Those 10 minutes of walking, stretching, or being outside could include some of these to further your relaxation experience.

I am a big believer in relaxation being something that starts at the beginning of the day rather than an emergency tactic at the end. That is why it is so important to factor relaxation into your day and routine. We don’t want to end our day overwhelmed and overstimulated if we can avoid it. I am an avid journaler and have different journals for different areas of my life. My work-life journal is great for keeping a log of the things you experience and realizations about yourself. This is helpful for reflection on the past and goals and needs setting when looking forward. Keep track of what works and what doesn’t.

My personal list of relaxation techniques are;

To many people, sleep is relaxation. I would challenge others to see them as separate. There is a quote from the book Stillness is the Key, ‘If we treat sleep like a luxury, it is the first to go when we get busy. How many of us have sacrificed sleep for our work time, and time again? My closest friends know who I am dedicating this section to. So let’s talk about sleep and what healthy sleep should look like.

There is a big difference between sleep and napping. When the ratio between the two is more time napping than sleeping, the quality of your sleep suffers. Anything beyond a 20 minute nap reflects a need for more sleep and having poorer sleep quality. In a study published in Sleep Science Review, better sleep leads to an improvement in mental health with factors like depression, anxiety, suicidal idealations, rummination, and burnout, along with stress-related disorders like generalized stress and PTSD (Alexander). All of these conditions exist within this industry and to some of us, they are really important issues.

However, turning to sleeping medication can be a dangerous option to take in order to gain some of that precious shut eye. In a recent article surrounding sleep, anxiety, and the coronavirus, prolonged cold and sleep medication use was found to actually cause more damage than be helpful (Kai). Things like a relaxation routine, PMR, and a healthy diet are going to help a person fall asleep easier. Some other options for better sleep are;

Conclusion

When researching these topics, I found a lot of parallels to other concerns brought up in my survey. These concerns fell into a more ‘mental/mind category’ that I would like to explore next. Furthering my research, expounding upon established conversations, and providing a wider range of helpful practices for the niche work that I do is something that needs more presence. What helps the body helps the mind and vice versa. Taking these concepts and techniques into consideration could lead to better performance of your job and skills. From a long term point of view, it will also lay the foundation of being healthier well into your later years.

Thank you to everyone who contributed their concerns and experiences to my survey and helped with the long process of research. If you are interested in a more in-depth look at the work cited part of this article, please reach out! What is included is a brief representation to the more extensive list. Stay tuned for future articles on this subject!

Work Referenced

Posture

Jung K-S, Jung J-H, In T-S, Cho H-Y. Effects of Prolonged Sitting with Slumped Posture on Trunk Muscular Fatigue in Adolescents with and without Chronic Lower Back Pain. Medicina. 2021; 57(1):3. https://doi.org/10.3390/medicina57010003

Krantz, Jodie. “Freeing the Neck and Shoulders: Feldenkrais Exercises to Relieve Shoulder and Neck Pain,” Youtube, uploaded 20 Aug. 2014. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWkUkmbQ94k

Malmström, EM., Olsson, J., Baldetorp, J. et al. A slouched body posture decreases arm mobility and changes muscle recruitment in the neck and shoulder region. Eur J Appl Physiol 115, 2491–2503 (2015). https://doi.org/10.1007/s00421-015-3257-y

Rennwellness. “Dangers of Rounded Shoulders and How to Fix Them,” Ravenswood Chiropractic and Wellness Center, 19 Jun. 2019. https://www.rennwellness.com/physical-therapy/dangers-rounded-shoulders.html

“The Best Ways to Fix Forward Head Posture,” Benevida Health and Wellness Center, 27 Nov. 2019. https://www.benevidawellness.com/how-to-fix-forward-head-posture/

Diet

Bray, G. A. “Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes; New York: AA Knopf,” Obesity Reviews, 14 Feb. 2008. https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.557.8672&rep=rep1&type=pdf

Bremner JD, Moazzami K, Wittbrodt MT, Nye JA, Lima BB, Gillespie CF, Rapaport MH, Pearce BD, Shah AJ, Vaccarino V. Diet, Stress and Mental Health. Nutrients. 2020; 12(8):2428. https://doi.org/10.3390/nu12082428

Huizen, Jennifer. “10 Natural Beta Blockers,” Medical News Today, 27 Apr. 2021. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/natural-beta-blockers

Huth, P. J., Fulgoni, V. L., Keast, D. R., Park, K., & Auestad, N. (2013). Major food sources of calories, added sugars, and saturated fat and their contribution to essential nutrient intakes in the U.S. diet: data from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (2003-2006). Nutrition journal, 12, 116. https://doi.org/10.1186/1475-2891-12-116

Liu, A. G., Ford, N. A., Hu, F. B., Zelman, K. M., Mozaffarian, D., & Kris-Etherton, P. M. (2017). A healthy approach to dietary fats: understanding the science and taking action to reduce consumer confusion. Nutrition journal, 16(1), 53. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12937-017-0271-4

Owen, L., & Corfe, B. (2017). The role of diet and nutrition on mental health and wellbeing. Proceedings of the Nutrition Society, 76(4), 425-426. doi:10.1017/S0029665117001057

Natural and Artificial Lights

An Mihyang, Stephen M. Colarelli, Kimberly O’Brien, Melanie E. Boyajian. “Why We Need More Nature at Work: Effects of Natural Elements and Sunlight on Employee Mental Health and Work Attitudes,” Plos One. 23 May. 2016. https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0155614&mod=article_inline

Chulv, Vicentei, María Jesús Agost, Francisco Felip, JaumeGual. “Natural elements in the designer’s work environment influence the creativity of their results,” Journal of Building Engineering, Vol. 28, March 2020. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2352710219313105?casa_token=dxidzq55lMgAAAAA:lvC1mLW-TctzFdQjxFe_negtOREn2JTRB1-tx7kZox_r8QJSYclE4EXKNp9RTtP7dh2Gb6WaqUw

Sleep and Relaxation

Alexander J. Scott, Thomas L. Webb, Marrissa Martyn-St James, Georgina Rowse, Scott Weich. “Improving sleep quality leads to better mental health: A meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials,” Sleep Medicine Reviews, Vol. 60, 2021, (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1087079221001416)

Holiday, Ryan. “Stillness is the Key,” Portfolio Penguin. 2019.

Kai Liu, Ying Chen, Duozhi Wu, Ruzheng Lin, Zaisheng Wang, Liqing Pan, “Effects of progressive muscle relaxation on anxiety and sleep quality in patients with COVID-19,” Complementary Therapies in Clinical Practice, Vol. 39, 2020, (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1744388120302784)

Maurice Ohayon, Emerson M. Wickwire, Max Hirshkowitz, Steven M. Albert, Alon Avidan, Frank J. Daly, Yves Dauvilliers, Raffaele Ferri, Constance Fung, David Gozal, Nancy Hazen, Andrew Krystal, Kenneth Lichstein, Monica Mallampalli, Giuseppe Plazzi, Robert Rawding, Frank A. Scheer, Virend Somers, Michael V. Vitiello, “National Sleep Foundation’s sleep quality recommendations: first report,” Sleep Health, Vol. 3, Issue 1, 2017, Pages 6-19, (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352721816301309)

Salamon, Elliott, Minsun Kim, John Beaulieu, and George B. Stefano. “Sound Therapy Induced Relaxation: Down Regulating Stress Processes and Pathologies,” BioSonic Enterprises. 2002. https://lbdtools.com/resources/Reference_PDFs/SoundTherapyInducedRelaxation.pdf

 

Normalising Workplace Conversations About Mental Health

I’m filling out a job application and get to the optional question about mental health. I hesitate, unsure whether to answer. I know it’s a company’s way of making sure they’re attracting a diverse range of applicants. Yet part of me is still worried about not being hired if I disclose the fact that I have an anxiety disorder.

It’s not that I’ve actively tried to hide it; I’ve simply spent most of my life “powering through” in the mistaken belief that anxiety was something I had to put up with because “that’s just the way I am”. I was incredibly high-functioning, at least on the surface. In a work setting, that translated to being very organised, always meeting deadlines (quite often earlier than expected), and juggling a lot of things at once. People never suspected anything was wrong (why would they?) and would use words like “reliable”, “efficient”, “trustworthy” and “hard-working” to describe me. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, I would spend days worrying about the tiniest mistake or the idea of a project being anything less than perfect (perfection, of course, doesn’t exist). I’d have constant bouts of impostor syndrome, or exhaust myself by taking on too much work for fear of what people might think if I turned it down. The worst part was that I knew I was in real danger of burning myself out, but I didn’t know what to do about it.

The answer was therapy, a journey I started a year ago, which coincided with my decision to go freelance. It’s taught me some invaluable strategies for managing my anxiety and helped me develop a healthier relationship with my work. Yes, people may still describe me as reliable, efficient, trustworthy, and hard-working (which is good, of course), but now I know I can be all of those things without sacrificing my mental health. If I do find myself slipping back into old habits, I remind myself of a particular time in my life when I was severely sleep-deprived and taking on way too much work. It took a heavy toll on my mind and body, and I don’t ever want to go there again.

I recently had the pleasure of appearing as a guest on the wonderful Daughters of Change podcast with Marie Sola, on which I also happen to work as an editor. We recorded an episode on anxiety (which you can listen to here) and it’s probably the most candid I’ve ever been about my own experience. It was really cathartic for me, and I also hope it helps someone else who may be going through something similar. I feel very strongly about breaking the stigma that still surrounds mental health, and having open and honest conversations about it is one of the best ways we can do that. It’s vital that these conversations also happen in the workplace.

A recent survey conducted here in Ireland by the mental health charity See Change found that  70% of workers were concerned about disclosing a mental health issue to their employer, while 40% said they had witnessed stigmatising behaviour at work. I think my own past reluctance to mention my anxiety in a professional setting stems from the fear of being seen as less competent. I’m sure there are those who feel someone with anxiety couldn’t possibly survive (or indeed thrive) in a high-pressure career like live radio, for example. When you’re in the throes of it, anxiety makes you want to retreat into your comfort zone and “play it safe”, so nothing and nobody has a chance of hurting you. I’ve been there many times. But ultimately, I chose this career path because I’m passionate about it and I know I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else. And, in spite of the nagging doubts and uncertainties, I know I’m good at it. Determination to achieve my goals is what drives me when things feel scary, and having anxiety doesn’t mean I can’t be successful in life.

Next time that question comes up on an application form, I hope I won’t be so hesitant about answering it. Maybe someday, there won’t be any reason to fear being honest about our mental health in the workplace.

Mental Health – Let’s Get Open

I remember when I was young, playing “Barbie Idols” with my best friend after school. We would dress the dolls up as our favourite artists and sing our hearts out while playing our CDs as loud as our parents would allow. We always imagined we were Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera. These women were our idols, and we couldn’t get enough. Fast track a few years ahead and you had the tabloids freaking out about Britney’s public mental breakdown in 2008 when she shaved her head.

I remember it being the most absurd thing I had ever heard a celebrity do – granted, I was still a kid! It just didn’t make any sense to me. I think at the time, the notion of talking openly about mental health was so out of reach for the majority of the world – and even more so for women celebrities. At the time I had no idea that the outbreak Britney was experiencing was because she was really struggling. People joked about her breakdown. They judged her, made memes, and called her crazy. And this showed me one thing…

A broken system

Women in our industry are under so much pressure. Celebrities must face their entire lives being publicized. The whole world judges their every move. They are expected to keep up a certain look to sustain their sexual appeal to the masses (because apparently, this is a valid form of identity – belch!) and when they buckle under the pressure, they are not held. They are not given grace. They are not supported.

I mean if you have watched Amy Winehouse’s documentary “Amy”, you witness a beautifully talented human being go from following a dream to being torn apart. Drugs, addiction, pressure from producers and fans, and her father refusing to support her decision to go to rehab because he claimed she was fine. She was a woman struggling in an environment where the extent to which she was seen and heard, was only at the level of how much she could make the men around her rich.

Now I don’t want to throw feminism down your throat, but what I do want to say is that the more we as women (whether we are in the music industry or not) get open about our mental health struggles, the more we can inspire others to do the same before they reach breaking point. In this way, we can collectively move toward creating an environment that is conducive to healing from, coping with, and managing mental health issues. I am inspired by the number of women musicians in the industry who are beginning to talk more openly about their mental health issues and see this as steps toward a healthier and more “normal” approach to mental health struggles.

Just to name a few, we have Selena Gomez opening up about her bipolar, Lady Gaga getting honest about her PTSD, rape, and anxiety, Demi Levato speaking about an eating disorder.

What women like this show me is this

Even if the world says you need to look, be, or feel a certain way, you do not have to conform to those expectations. It also shows that being honest and open about your struggles humanizes you and allows others to feel more confident in speaking about their issues. Personally – my very open discussion is around the fact that I had bulimia for 15 years. I still manage my eating disorder recovery daily. I also struggle with severe anxiety and ADHD. I experience insecurity and have problems with expressing my anger without internalizing it. I was date raped in my early twenties, abused drugs and alcohol heavily, attempted suicide, and even went to rehab.

But these days, if you were to meet me, you wouldn’t ever think that these things have happened in my life. I have some people call me the “happiest person they’ve ever met”. A colleague once said to me “Your life was probably handed to you on a silver platter because of how optimistic you are about everything.” (haha if only they knew!)

The reason I reached this space was that I got open. I started talking about my struggles and became willing to do something about them without shame. I started reaching out to people who had walked the same path. I sought support, put it into action, and radically changed my life. These days I work as a coach for people who struggle with eating disorders, mental health issues, and addiction and it’s all because I let my fear of being judged aside and said: “Hey, I’m not okay”.

So, I encourage you to think – are you getting open about where you’re at? Are you seeking transformation in your life? Are you willing to put your fears aside and reach out? If not, what are you resisting? What is the underlying fear of speaking up?

No matter how afraid you are, there are ALWAYS people who are willing to listen, guide, and support your journey.

So, speak up. Not only for yourself but to inspire others around you to do the same. Feel free to contact me if you are ever struggling and need direction in your mental health journey.

An Open Letter to Mental Health

Recently I have shifted my mental well-being to the forefront of my brain, whereas my work and education have always been my main focus. I knew that if I did not make this adjustment, my mental health would infringe on my professional life and the goals that I have set for myself.

The current discussion about mental well-being is a growing one, however, when it is combined with work, things fall short. There is an overwhelming amount of toxic work culture within our industry. With my switch to focusing on bettering myself and my mental state, I have questioned if this affects my worth as a designer. Does this make me a less valuable team member if I am not putting 110 percent into everything that I do?

I will answer this question for you – no it does not, and I know that it does not make me less valuable as a professional. Neither does it make me less capable. In fact, I think it makes me a better designer. There is an advantage to being self-aware and in tune with feelings and our experiences because those abilities lend themselves to sound design, music composition, and other creative and artistic endeavors.

Some days I feel as if I do not have any creative energy in me. Or that I no longer enjoy the things I once loved. A void has opened up and swallowed everything that makes me who I am. However, I have to remember that this does not equate to the real me. I may experience these feelings, but the creative and intelligent being I am still exists. My ability to do excellent work as a designer, engineer or teacher still exists.

Fear resides in me that if I cannot separate my working life from everything else, then I am on a one-way train to failure. My professional life must remain anxiety-free and the depression stifled. What we forget to remember is what that initial fear represents; a crack in the facade that we create. This kind of perfectionism is so fragile and dangerous for industry and work where things are changing and adapting every minute.

One of the best abilities I have trained myself in is how to be flexible. How to be adaptable and calm under pressure. It certainly was not easy, but I recognized it would be one of the most serving things I could do for myself. I work with directors, choreographers, artists, producers, and they all have an idea of what they want. Then, there is the actual production team which can vary in size and mind. They all have an idea of what they want. To think things won’t change and adapt is easily the most naive idea you could have. Some people may have an easy time being flexible under pressure, however, as someone with complex anxiety it is something I have had to work hard on.

If you are to remember anything from this article, please take away this statement. You are not your work. You are a valid and beautiful person no matter what work or the amount of work you do. You may feel like you have to do more, but ultimately you have an obligation to yourself and your health. That always takes priority.

I can recognize that this time that we spend on ourselves is what makes us worth so much. The idea that it makes us worthless is a misconception. There is also a lack of understanding of how long that process will take because it varies for each person. Our industry is not at all patient. It took Van Gogh a year to paint his famous Starry Night and that is an excellent example of what can happen when you are patient. You cannot get back the time you spent burning yourself out at your craft and I certainly don’t like thinking back on the person I was then. Hopefully, someday our industry will adopt a more patient outlook, but until then we have to be patient with and for ourselves.

As we come to a close in 2021, with everything going on and all of the uncertainties, I am thankful that I am working on this and that it can be one of the more stable things in my life. I think of it as my foundation and I know it will make me a better individual. We all have goals and dreams and taking care of our mental wellbeing can only help us achieve that for ourselves. I hope you all have a wonderful end of 2021 – you will see me in writing next year.

Special thanks to Quinn Schuster and Tyler Quinn for contributing to this writing.

 

11 gigs in 10 days

After the first one I felt so tired I almost cried of exhaustion. By the sixth I cried from a nervous breakdown, the 10th I danced and 11th I was DONE!

The sixth one was special and not at my regular venue. This special one-off gig was at a hotel I had never been to before. From the moment I got the job, my anxiety increased by the day. If you don’t already know, the feeling of excitement and anxiety are closely related. A racing heart, that lump in your stomach that makes you wanna hurl and the shakes are common symptoms of these extreme feelings. Except for my anxiety also makes me feel terrified and paralyzed. It’s the fight or flight response of our brain and mine says “RUN”.

You’d think that after so many years of being an engineer that I’d be cool as a cucumber. But this was the most stressful job I have ever done in my life! Questions from the touring engineer were fired at me: “Do you have a rug for the drums? Why aren’t the monitors working? Have you got more stands?” I felt useless and clueless since I didn’t know the answers! I was not in control and all of my human needs took the back seat. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast that morning and I was so dehydrated no saliva was left in my mouth. Yet, I am a problem solver and ran at 190% so the event was still a success. Yes, it ran a little late, maybe 10 min, and the touring engineer that came with the band, a nine-piece by the way, smiled for the first time. It’s terribly difficult to be the “in-house” engineer when you’ve never worked there before!

The DJs were on, the band played and I finally found some water. After we’ve packed up the PA and all of the gear and put it back into storage, I said my goodbyes and took the train home. About half an hour later, when the adrenaline left my body, I started to uncontrollably cry. I was exhausted and all of the pent-up anxiety, stress, and all of that cortisol that had kept me going, now let me feel what I really felt like. My finacé took my puppy Elvis and met me on the short walk from the station and I sobbed the whole way. Away from people and with someone I trust, I allowed myself to have a delayed anxiety attack. Because finally, I was with him and didn’t need to hide my mental health disorder. I can’t help to think I wouldn’t get hired or treated the same way if I told my clients and employers about my mental health…

Our way forward to a humane and fair understanding of our mental health is tricky, but I am hopeful. For now, I talk to my therapist, cuddle my fluffy pup, and cry in my fiancé’s arms. At home, I can be true to who I am and rest, because that’s exactly what I need now.

Remember to not neglect yourself when working.

Depression, Anxiety, and Hope from a Roadie In The Age of Covid

Dear Everyone, you are not alone.

 

**TRIGGER WARNING: This blog contains personal content surrounding issues of mental health including depression and anxiety, and the Covid-19 pandemic. Reader discretion is advised.**

The alarm on my phone went off at 6:30 a.m.

I rolled out of my bunk, carefully trying to make as little noise as possible as I gathered my backpack, clothes, and tool bag before exiting the bus.

The morning air felt cool against my face as I looked around me trying to orient myself in the direction of the loading dock to the arena. Were we in New York? Ohio? Pennsylvania? In the morning before coffee, those details were difficult to remember.

Passed the elephant door, the arena sprawled out before me, empty and suspensefully silent. I looked up with a mixed sense of awe and critical analysis as I noted the three tiers of the arena, the red seats forming distinct geometrical shapes between each section. As I made my way out to the middle of the deceivingly large room, I looked toward the ground in hopes of finding that tell-tale button marking the middle of the room, if I was lucky.

As I set up my tripod, I heard the footsteps of the rigging team as they began stretching out their yellow measuring tapes across the cement floor. The clapping of their feet echoed in the room and soon the sound of their voices calling out distances joined the chorus in the reverb tails.

I turned on my laser and pulled out my notepad, the pen tucked in my hair as I aimed for the first measurement.

Then I woke up.

Up above me, all I could see was the white air-tile of the basement ceiling while the mini-fridge hummed in the corner of the room.

For a few seconds, or maybe it was a full minute, I had absolutely no idea where I was.

I wanted to scream.

I lay in bed for what could have been 15 minutes or an hour, telling myself I had to get out of bed. I couldn’t just lay here. I had to do something. Get up. Get UP.

Eventually, I made my way upstairs and put on a pot of water for coffee. When I opened my phone and opened Facebook, I saw a status update from a friend about a friend of a friend who had passed away. My heart sank. I remembered doing a load-in with that person. Years ago, at a corporate event in another city, in another lifetime. They didn’t post details on what had happened to them. Frankly, it wasn’t anyone’s business, but the family and those closest to them. Yet my heart felt heavy.

Six months ago, or maybe more, time had ceased to have any tangible meaning at this point, I had been sitting in a restaurant in Northern California when the artists told the whole tour that we were all going home. Tomorrow. Like a series of ill-fated dominoes, events were canceling one-by-one across the country and across the world. Before I knew it, I was back in my storage unit at my best friend’s house, trying to shove aside the boxes I had packed up 4 or 5 months earlier to make room for an inflatable mattress so I had somewhere to sleep. I hadn’t really expected to be “home” yet so I hadn’t really come up with a plan as to what I was going to do.

Maybe I’ll go camping for the next month or so. Try to get some time to think. I loved nature and being out in the trees always made me feel better about everything, so maybe that was the thing to do. Every day I looked at the local newspaper’s report of the number of Covid-19 cases in California. It started out in the double digits. The next day it was in the triple digits. Then it grew again. And again. Every day the numbers grew bigger and notices of business closing and areas being restricted filled the pages and notifications across the Internet.

Fast-forward and the next thing I knew, I was packing all my possessions into a U-Haul trailer and driving across the country to be with my sister in Illinois. She had my baby niece a little over a year ago, so I figured the best use of my time would be to spend time with my family while I could.

I was somewhere driving across Kansas when the reality of what was happening hit me. As someone who loved making lists and planning out everything from their packing lists to their hopes and dreams in life, I—for once—literally had no idea what I was doing. This seemed like the best idea I could think of at the time.

Fast-forward and I was sitting on the phone in the basement of my sister’s house in the room she had graciously fabricated for me out of sectioned-off tapestries. I looked at the timestamp on my phone for how long I had been on hold with the Unemployment Office. Two hours and thirty minutes. It took twenty calls in a row to try and get through to someone at the California Employment Development Department. At the three-hour mark, the line disconnected. I just looked down at my phone.

I remember one Christmas when I was with my dad’s side of the family at dinner, I tried to explain what I do to them.

“So you are a DJ, then?” my aunt asked enthusiastically, believing that she had finally gotten it right.

“No,” I said.

“Do you play with the band?” my uncle asked.

“No, I’m the person who tries to make sure everyone in the audience can hear the band,” I tried to laugh.

Everyone laughed that sort of half-laugh when you try to pretend you get the joke, but you don’t actually get it.

Across my social media feeds, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and everyone in between, were all sharing updates of how they had to get “real jobs”, how they couldn’t get through to unemployment or their state had completely failed to get them any unemployment at all, how they were angry, desperate, and how they needed to feed their families. Leaders in the industry grew from the motivation of trying to speak out on behalf of the live events industry to the government, pleading for financial relief for businesses, venues, individuals, and more, and my feeds flooded with initiatives and campaigns for awareness of the plight of the live events industry.

Yet when I talked to people who were not in the industry, they seemed to have no idea that the live events sector had been affected at all. Worse yet, I realized more and more that so few people had any idea of what people in the live events industry actually do. Organizations struggled to get news channels to do exposés on the subject, and perhaps it was because there were so many people across every sector of every industry that were struggling. In one conversation with a friend, I had explained that there were nearly 100 people on a tour that I had worked on between the production, tech crew, artist’s tech crew, everyone. They couldn’t believe so many people were working behind the scenes at one concert.

Yet the more I talked about my job and the more time that passed, the more I felt like I was talking about a dream. This fear grew inside me that there was no end in sight to all this and the stories started to repeat themselves and it started to feel like these were stories of what had been, not what was. It was becoming increasingly difficult to concentrate when talking to people about “regular” things in our daily lives because it was not work. Talking about the weather was not talking about rigging plots or truckloads, so my brain just refused to focus on it. Yet I couldn’t stop thinking about the industry: watching webinars, learning new things because I just wanted so desperately to go back to my career that I fabricated schedules and deadlines around other obligations to feel like work was still there.

Then the thought that underpinned all this rose up like a monster from the sea:

Who am I without my job?

I read an article Dave Grohl wrote [1] about performing and playing music on-stage for people, how there was nothing like that feeling in the whole world. I think he hit on something that, in effect, is really indescribable to anyone who has not worked in the live events world. There was a feeling unlike any other of standing in a room with tens of thousands of people screaming at deafening levels. There was a feeling unlike any other of standing alone in a room listening to a PA and crafting it to sound the way you wanted it to. There was a feeling unlike any other of hearing motors running in the morning while pulling a snake across an arena floor. There was a feeling unlike any other of complete, utter exhaustion riding a bus in the morning to the next load-in after doing 4, 5, 6, however many gigs in a row. I tried to explain these feelings to my friends and family who listened with compassion, but I couldn’t help but feel that sometimes they were just pretending to get the joke.

Days, weeks, months floated by and the more time passed, the more I felt like I was floating in a dream. This was a bad dream that I would wake up from. It had to be. Then when I came to reality and realized that this was not a dream, that this was where I was in my life now, it felt like my brain and the entire fabric of my being was splitting in two. It was not unbeknownst to me how fortunate I was with my sister taking me in. Every morning I tried to say 5 things I was grateful for to keep my spirits up and my sister was always one of them.

The painful irony was that I had stopped going to therapy in January 2020 because I felt I had gotten to an OK point in my life where I was good for now. I had gotten where I needed to for the time being and I could shelve all the other stuff for now until I had time to address them. Then suddenly I had all the time in the world and while shut down in quarantine, all those things in my brain I told myself I would deal with later…Well, now I had no other choice than to deal with them, and really this all intersected with the question at hand of who was I without my job.

And I don’t think I was alone

The thing people don’t tell you about working in the industry is the social toll it takes on your life and soul. The things you give up and the parts of yourself you give up to make it a full-time gig. Yet there is this mentality of toughing it through because there are 3,000 other people waiting in line to take your spot and if you falter for even just one step, you could be gone and replaced just as easily. Organizations focusing on mental health in the industry started to arise from the pandemic because, in fact, it wasn’t just me. There are many people who struggle to find that balance of life and work let alone when there is a global health crisis at hand. All this should make one feel less alone, and to some extent it does. The truth is that the journey towards finding yourself is, as you would imagine, something each person has to do for themself. And my reality was that despite all the sacrifices needed for this job, all I wanted to do was run back to it as fast as I could.

Without my work, it felt like a huge hole was missing from my entire being. That sense of being in a dream pervaded my every waking moment and even in my dreams, I dreamt of work to the point where I had to take sleeping aids just so I would stop thinking about it in my dreams too. I found myself at this strange place in my life where I reunited myself with hobbies that I previously cast aside for touring life and trying to appreciate what happiness they could offer. More webinars and industry discussions popped up about “pivoting” into new industries or fields and in some of these, you could physically see the pain in the interviewees’ faces as they tried to discuss how they had made their way in another field.

One day I was playing with my baby niece and I told her we had to stop playing to go do something, but we would come back to playing later. She just looked at me in utter bewilderment and said, “No! No! No!” Then I remembered that small children have no concept of “now” versus “later”. Everything literally is in the “now” for them. It struck me as something very profound that my niece lived completely in the moment. Everything was a move from one activity to the next, always moving forward. So with much effort and pushback against every fiber of my future-thinking self, I just stopped trying to think of anything further than the next day ahead of me. Just move one foot in front of the other and be grateful every day that I am here in what’s happening at this moment.

Now with the vaccination programs here in the United States and the rumblings of movement trickling across the grapevine, it feels like for the first time in more than a year that there is hope on the horizon. There is a part of me that is so desperate for it to be true and part of me that is suspiciously wary of it being true. Like seeing the carrot on the ground, but being very aware of the fact there is a string attached to it that can easily pull the carrot away from you once more.

There is a hard road ahead and a trepidatious one, at that. Yet after months and months of complete uncertainty, there is something to be said about having hope that things will return to a new type of “normal”. Because “normal” would imply that we would return to how things were before 2020. I believe that there is good change and reflection that came in the pause of the pandemic that we should not revert back from: a collective reflection on who we are, whether we wanted to address it to ourselves or not.

What will happen from this point moving forward is anyone’s gamble, but I always like to think that growth doesn’t come from being comfortable. So with one foot in front of the other, we move forward into this next phase of time. And like another phrase that seems to come up over and over again, “Well, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.”

References:

[1]https://www.theatlantic.com/culture/archive/2020/05/dave-grohl-irreplaceable-thrill-rock-show/611113/

Make Room for Mental Health

 

 

Summer is almost here. For some of us, this means we are one step closer to a long-anticipated return to our work. For others, it means learning that gigs we thought would be there when things reopened will not be. For a lot of us, it’s a mix of both.

I am working my first load-out post-vaccination this week, and I know for me, it has been an odd transition back. It’s relearning to do this work both physically and mentally. It’s bringing everything we have learned during this time away back with us, and redefining what we think of as “normal.” Because it turns out that what we called “normal” in the Before Times was kind of a mess, and for my part, I was barely holding it together and had no idea.

By a coincidence of timing, May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I’ve had a lot of chances these past weeks to reckon with my feelings about reopening, diversifying our workforce, and eliminating toxic practices in every way that I can. For me, the first step of this is just to give each other a lot more space to be ourselves and bring our whole selves to what we do. We are human beings, and just as our bodies need food and rest, our emotional systems need care and attention. For too long we have learned to shut our emotions in or leave them at the door for the sake of the gig, when in fact this is the OPPOSITE of what we should be doing. Theatre is a business that prides itself on being a community, and communities take care of themselves and the people within them. That is what a healthy workplace is all about.

There are a lot of resources out there that are tailored to helping those of us working behind the scenes to focus on our mental health better. The “I’m with the crew” conversations are a great place to start.

 

Last Tuesday, I had the opportunity to take a course in Mental Health First Aid training that was offered by Behind The Scenes, a nonprofit focused on helping entertainment industry professionals who need financial assistance due to an injury. In the past years, they have expanded their resources to include guides on ways to talk to your coworkers about mental health and resources on where to seek treatment for yourself or a loved one. The course I took taught us how to spot when someone may be having a mental health issue at work, and how to use the ALGEE method (Assess/Approach/Assist, Listen, Give Info, Encourage professional help, Encourage self-help) for rendering aid to a colleague who has begun behaving in ways that are, to use a term from theatre, “out of character” for them. While we tend to shrug off things like being late, looking tired, unkempt clothing, or not meeting work deadlines, in some people these behaviors can be early signs of a worsening mental health or substance abuse issue.

While I thought that this course was going to be much more technical and difficult, a lot of it was just about listening. Simple as that. Learning to listen without judgment to people, and without forcing them, encourage ways that they might seek additional help. As a society, we are not in the habit of answering the question “How are you?” with anything other than “good…” but what if we did? Maybe even this small act of showing vulnerability would help to open others up to what we are going through and create a safe space where we can discuss our issues and feel less alone. Listening patiently and without judgment is the key to making those safe spaces, and especially in this age of social media, we need to say once and for all that it is okay to not be okay some of the time.

This brings us to the next step in Mental Health First Aid: giving reassurance and, where applicable, encouraging the person in need to seek more help, possibly through therapy or with a Certified Peer Specialist (someone who is trained and shares the lived experience of the people they help, similar to a sponsor in a Twelve Step Program). The idea of going to therapy is so stigmatized, especially here in the US. And of course, for a lot of freelance folks, there can also be a massive cost barrier, or it can be hard to find someone whose schedule can work with yours. A trained therapist or counselor can give you informed feedback on your situation and teach you ways to cope with the ever-changing world. Especially during lockdown and quarantine, I have seen my old anxieties and nervous habits creep back into my daily life, and one of the things that have helped to keep me sane and organized is my weekly video chats with my therapist. If you are wanting to learn more about this, a great resource is the Entertainment Industry Therapist Finder. They specifically list therapists who either have worked in show biz themselves or specialize in working with clients who are in entertainment.

The Entertainment Industry Therapist Finder is a great resource to find a mental health professional who “gets” what we do!

 

The other word besides “Mental Health” that gets stigmatized in our society is “Trauma.” This came up in a public session I attended as part of the TSDCA Annual Meeting called “Re-entering the Workforce in a Time of Trauma.” It was facilitated by Taryn Longo, who is a trauma therapist and part of the team that puts together the “I’m With The Crew” webinars. The word “trauma” may sound extreme to describe what this past year-and-change without work has been like, but it really is exactly what we’ve experienced. In Mental Health First Aid class, we defined trauma as an event that is physically and emotionally harmful and can have long-term effects in functioning and well-being. By that definition, the entire world population has no doubt lived through a trauma. Between the devastating illness and deaths that have resulted from Covid, the racial justice uprisings that punctuated last spring and summer, and now the anxiety surrounding live events finally reopening, we need to acknowledge the insane time that we have just lived through. We will not be able to heal unless we learn to nurture ourselves and treat our emotional wounds the same way that we would a physical injury, and acknowledging the trauma is the first step to helping us move through those difficult emotions and towards a better state of being.

This is where self-help and self-care comes in. For some people, this mental health strategy can be easier to wrap one’s head around than seeking professional help, and it too can be a great tool for healing! I know that for me, developing a daily routine to deal with not having a show schedule was a huge part of getting through the pandemic. Some of the things that have gotten me through have included committing to a consistent sleep schedule (and getting 8 hours of sleep no matter what!), practicing yoga every morning, meditating (I use the Headspace app), going outside at least once a day, and socializing with my friends on Zoom. The best part is that these coping strategies can still be a part of my day even when theatre jobs do come back! I really do plan to do this, because incorporating self-care into my day just makes me feel better. And when I feel better, I do even better work, I can do a better job of being there for others, and I find that I simply enjoy every aspect of my day more. Even the boring stuff like washing dishes!

The more you can take care of yourself and give yourself the space you need for mental health, the more you will be able to show empathy for others. Modeling this behavior for those around you also plays a big part in destigmatizing talking about mental health and seeking treatment. Just taking a few deep breaths before starting your work for the day can help to ground you and set an example for others that taking care of yourself in public is not just okay, it is welcome without judgment wherever you are. And that can go a long way towards helping others recognize that it’s okay to need help and that seeking help before an issue worsens can lead to more positive mental health outcomes.

As Taryn Longo said in the TSDCA session, “it’s not about making things ‘nice’ or ‘okay’ cause sometimes they’re not okay.” If we can learn to unlock what is going on in our emotional selves, ask for help when we need it, and create a safe place for others to be open about what they are going through as well, we will create a new “typical” workplace that is far less toxic and closed-off than the one we had in March of 2020.

Download the self-care action plan Self-Care Template_R

If you are thinking about suicide, or worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline Network is available 24/7 across the United States. 

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE 

1-800-273-TALK (8255) [24/7 Hotline] 1-888-628-9454 (Spanish) 1-800-799-4889 (TTY)
This hotline is available 24 hours a day.

CRISIS TEXT LINE 

Text “MHFA” to 741741 to speak with a compassionate, trained crisis counselor, a volunteer who has been trained to help with problem-solving and will address the caller’s situation.

More Resources

Musicares – https://www.grammy.com/musicares – MusiCares provides a safety net of critical health and welfare services to the music community in three key areas: Mental Health & Addiction Recovery Services, Health Services, and Human Services:

Backline – https://backline.care/ – Backline exists to connect music industry professionals and their families with a trusted network of mental health and wellness providers

The Roadie Clinic – https://www.theroadieclinic.com/ – The Roadie Clinic exists to empower & heal roadies and their families by providing resources & services tailored to the struggles of the touring lifestyle. The Clinic is committed to providing a safe space for roadies and their families to heal while off the road, and to advocate for – and empower them to obtain – a healthy work environment

Mental Health Awareness Month

 

Keeping Afloat with Postpartum Depression

Content Warning: Discussion of mental disorders and suicide.

April Tucker has written some great articles on pregnancy and working as a mom in the Audio Industry, however, I want to focus on something specific:  Postpartum Depression (PPD).  Currently in the United States parents have been hit hard by the lack of affordable childcare, parental leave options, other childcare support infrastructure, not to mention the earthquake in the Entertainment Industry from the COVID pandemic.

PPD is a mood disorder that affects parents after childbirth.  Symptoms can occur regardless of gender and type of birth and start during the first year after birth.  While it is not possible to know for sure if you will develop it, there are several risk factors: family or personal history of mental and mood disorders, addiction, lack of support, complications with pregnancy, and childbirth.  Symptoms are low self-esteem, doubt, mood swings, irritability, emptiness, exhaustion, lack of concentration, inability to make decisions, poor memory, fear of the baby, thoughts of self-harm or suicide, thought of harm to baby or partner.  PPD is more than just “baby blues,” it is a real and serious disorder.

You are not alone

It is estimated that 15% of women have PPD, and I am part of that 15%.  My pregnancy and delivery on paper were healthy and tame.  I had a great medical team assisting me, and my husband had enough medical savvy to calm any worries leading up to and during the big day.  My family is full of healthy and supportive people.  However, I had no local support network of friends or family, had no close “mom friends”, I upended my career to become a mother, and my birth experience traumatized me.  PPD can happen to anyone, and there is no shame in that.

First consult your team: Doctor, Midwife, Doula, Lactation Consultant, Therapist, Psychologist, your child’s pediatrician.  Ask whomever you already have on your side.  They have the medical knowledge to help you, they want you healthy.  Strength lies in knowing when to ask for help.  I used the depression questionnaire as the opportunity to bring it up at my postpartum follow-up.  Even with a diagnosis, life goes on and appointments don’t happen every day.  Being a parent is more than a full-time job, and often parents have another job on top of it.  Sometimes it can be hard to keep your head above water.

In those moments there are little things that can make life bearable:

Find me on the SoundGirls Audio Moms group, reach out.  Also check out our video Breaking Norms: Moms in Audio and The Music Industry.

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