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Empowering the Next Generation of Women in Audio

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Where Did All This Work Come From?

Work has ramped up the last couple of months and everyone I have ever worked with is calling me. I can have three different people asking me about the same day at one time. Meanwhile, the bar at the venue hasn’t got enough staff and the kitchen is missing a head chef. Where is everyone? The politicians in the UK are hoping that we now will start to see the positive effects of Brexit. They think: less immigration from Europe equals better paid UK citizens. Wrong! There are reports all over the nation on missing staff in different sectors, there’s talk of food shortages in the near future and now there’s an energy crisis in all of Europe! Crazy effects of the messy world we live in. Don’t get me started on shipping! I bought a guitar for my fiancé in April from my friend at Gretch and we are STILL waiting!

I know of musicians that have left the UK to make it easier to tour Europe, I know of technicians that have left too and I know people who during the pandemic were forced to sell their equipment and work in another sector. No wonder why there are missing people. Not only because of Brexit but also because of the pandemic. My colleague, who also is a guitarist, is working in rehearsal studios, at our venue and is now also touring. I am working at four different venues and recording podcasts. My close friend became the head sound engineer at a big hotel in London during 2020 and is really struggling to find and keep technicians. They keep getting offered even better jobs!

We are all working harder than we have before. I have 24 gigs in October with very little downtime. I had to move some stuff around and get some deps in for the lower-paid jobs, which is a great way to pay it forward! I love that I can help others to get more work.  A guy who went to the same college as me in Sweden found me on Facebook and asked me about work. BUT, that was last year and I told him he’s crazy to come over when there’s lockdowns and NO work and NOTHING is open! He did it anyway, and when we opened back up, I saw his feed on Instagram and asked him where he was. Back in Sweden, he answered! I kinda wish he’d come back now and give me a hand, or that we could switch lives and I could live in the countryside and run with my dog on fields instead.

Like now, for example, I am sitting here, at the last minute, writing this piece when really I should already be in bed. I had a nine-piece on my little stage tonight and a fight broke out in the audience. I was shocked. I have never witnessed something so violent. So basically, a tough and strange gig.

I think my lesson here is, rest when you can because you never know when there will be staff shortages and you have to work harder than you have ever done before.

Give It Another Go

Giving things a go and trying something new, is one thing, to intentionally put yourself in.  In my last post, I encountered my most stressful job ever, I am going there again today. So I thought it would be interesting to write a before and after, not only for my own record, but maybe it can help you or someone you know.

My heart is pounding like I drank 3 cups of coffee. My stomach has the vibrations of a small earthquake. My whole body is tense and I keep reminding my shoulders to relax. Sometimes I feel paralyzed by fear and can’t move. As if I’m in great danger, except this threat is my job and it’s something I choose to subject myself to all the time. It’s a remnant of our ancestry where the danger was tigers and lions. Now it’s people and their expectations on me. I can’t shake it, it’s found me and won’t let go. I try once again to relax, and when I do, I just feel exhausted. My head is messy and foggy. I stopped drinking coffee ages ago and currently only have an on-and-off relationship with this hot steaming beautiful delight because of the anxiety and hormonal imbalance it brings.

I feel like an addict and I’m having horrible side effects. COME ON LINNEA! It’s ONLY a job!

“You’ve done it for years!” my therapist shouts across the ocean.

“Yes, but… “ I start…. “I wish I could flip a switch and I’ll be my old cool and chill self again.”

Who I think I used to be is irrelevant and not helping me now. Instead, I have to affirm and remind myself: I am not in danger, I am not stressed. It’s an old human survival instinct. The last time you did this job you had a horrible horrible time, but the worst is over, you have done it once and survived… you even got paid to go through it! Now you take that knowledge and you take this focus and you use it to your advantage. You bring extra bits that you might need and anything else that happens isn’t your fault. They have hired you to do your job with your expertise and they asked you back! They don’t know it was the most horrible experience you’ve ever been through. They don’t know about your worries and anxiety.

Ok, let’s also try rational thinking. You know how to be a sound engineer. You know most of the gear you will be using. Although you might not know where things are, that’s their job, to tell you where to find them. You know they are a bit disorganised and that frightens you, but once again, that’s their fault and if things run late because of it, it’s not your fault. Even if anything was your fault, why is that so scary!? You are a problem solver and you are great at it. The last gig you did there had lots of problems and you solved all of them. The gig went great and everyone except you was pleased. You will arrive before you are needed. You will sign in and get the keys, you will pick up equipment that is needed and you will set it up and do the job. The hotel’s system is difficult and if you need help with it, call someone. Ask for help. You have never been scared of asking for help and asking questions, so why the need to be so perfect and independent!?

After I finished writing the above I wrote to my friend who also works there. I asked for help. Ten minutes later I heard back from the music director and I now have all the info I need to do the job. I have calmed down. It’s in the same room I did last time, except this time it’s not a nine-piece band but two speakers talking. It should be simple enough and this guy will be there too. I am calm, I tell myself, but my aching body tells me otherwise. Yes, the crying and paralysis are over, but I am still anxious…

To be continued for when I get back tonight…

I did it! With zero problems! Well, there were two problems, one system problem that wasn’t down to me, just their complicated system. The other was a recording thing. I forgot I had to select the desk instead of the interface! Such an easy thing!!! Almost frustrated by how simple the fix was!

I had been super early, got-a-sandwich-in-a-café-nearby-and

-watched-some-Netflix-early. I knew where everything was, I made several choices, like the size of the speakers, that turned out perfect. Everything went smoothly. This time even I was pleased after it all.

I got on the tube, elevated, with that rush that only comes from a successful gig. It went amazing!

So would I do it again? Yes. Yes, I would. I have already booked a Drag Bingo and a party on the rooftop overlooking London. I can’t wait to come back and continue to kick ass! I repeat, what a rush it is to have a successful gig!

Remember, it’s not a tiger, it’s a gig.

I have an app I dearly recommend called Worry Tree. It’s a simple app with prompts for finding solutions to our worries. You write down your worries, then you can either decide to deal with it now or later, but you have to yourself come up with a solution. Even if the only thing you can think of is three deep breaths. I have the paid subscription which also allows you to fill in what kind of categories your worries fall into, like black and white thinking, catastrophizing, or a fortune teller (the ones I often fall into). So if you suffer from stress, worries or anxiety I highly recommend this one. 

 

11 gigs in 10 days

After the first one I felt so tired I almost cried of exhaustion. By the sixth I cried from a nervous breakdown, the 10th I danced and 11th I was DONE!

The sixth one was special and not at my regular venue. This special one-off gig was at a hotel I had never been to before. From the moment I got the job, my anxiety increased by the day. If you don’t already know, the feeling of excitement and anxiety are closely related. A racing heart, that lump in your stomach that makes you wanna hurl and the shakes are common symptoms of these extreme feelings. Except for my anxiety also makes me feel terrified and paralyzed. It’s the fight or flight response of our brain and mine says “RUN”.

You’d think that after so many years of being an engineer that I’d be cool as a cucumber. But this was the most stressful job I have ever done in my life! Questions from the touring engineer were fired at me: “Do you have a rug for the drums? Why aren’t the monitors working? Have you got more stands?” I felt useless and clueless since I didn’t know the answers! I was not in control and all of my human needs took the back seat. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast that morning and I was so dehydrated no saliva was left in my mouth. Yet, I am a problem solver and ran at 190% so the event was still a success. Yes, it ran a little late, maybe 10 min, and the touring engineer that came with the band, a nine-piece by the way, smiled for the first time. It’s terribly difficult to be the “in-house” engineer when you’ve never worked there before!

The DJs were on, the band played and I finally found some water. After we’ve packed up the PA and all of the gear and put it back into storage, I said my goodbyes and took the train home. About half an hour later, when the adrenaline left my body, I started to uncontrollably cry. I was exhausted and all of the pent-up anxiety, stress, and all of that cortisol that had kept me going, now let me feel what I really felt like. My finacé took my puppy Elvis and met me on the short walk from the station and I sobbed the whole way. Away from people and with someone I trust, I allowed myself to have a delayed anxiety attack. Because finally, I was with him and didn’t need to hide my mental health disorder. I can’t help to think I wouldn’t get hired or treated the same way if I told my clients and employers about my mental health…

Our way forward to a humane and fair understanding of our mental health is tricky, but I am hopeful. For now, I talk to my therapist, cuddle my fluffy pup, and cry in my fiancé’s arms. At home, I can be true to who I am and rest, because that’s exactly what I need now.

Remember to not neglect yourself when working.

A Day In A life – Downpour and Football

 

It’s a rainy day and I’m sitting at our local dog-friendly cafe watching football. It’s Sweden vs Slovakia and I am the only person who cheers as Sweden scores. I am the only person in the bar/cafe Wags N Tales that is even watching the game. Elvis, my eleven-month puppy is sitting by my feet and whines. He’s had his puppacino, goat’s milk with pieces of bacon in the bottom, and is now bored. I was supposed to work this evening. England is playing Scotland and the pub has sold tickets to watch the game inside the music venue.

This morning I texted my manager asking when I should come and set it up when I got the reply that I was no longer needed. This happens a lot in the industry and we don’t get a warning nor compensation for when it happens. I could’ve potentially had another job this evening, even though it’s unlikely in this restricted work climate.

It’s still raining and I’m cold. Before the game, I was standing outside the university with my puppy and fiancé in line for his first vaccine shot. I’m getting my second next week. We waited in the long queue for 40 min and I then took the bus to see the game. He waits for another hour and a half. At the same time, my sister and mum are in Sweden, sending me beautiful summery pictures of the lakes. I miss them and I miss the heat from the past week. I had then hated the high sudden temperatures and had wished for rain. I got my wish, now it won’t stop.

I’m sending off an invoice for a job that came in this morning, it’s local and easy money. I sigh with relief.

The British government just decided to keep the final restrictions for another month and the entire entertainment industry had to once again scramble, cancel and move events. In just a few day’s time we had planned for full capacity gigs at The Half Moon and instead I now anxiously wait for my new rota. Yet again we have no idea what’s going to happen, how long they will push this and we have to accept it. I thank my friend Andy for booking me in on this new job and instead, I get excited about my double shift tomorrow. The tribute band The Smyths will do their 7th sold-out gig since we opened a few weeks ago and they are so lovely to work with, a sense of calm spreads within me. I miss the sweaty full capacity gigs, but for now, I will relish my evening off with my puppy, a cappuccino and that Sweden has just won against Slovakia.

 

And So It Begins

I got here early. Too early. A boy fell over with his bike and I had time to stay and help. He was confused and in pain, I could relate. I was on my way to the first gig of the year. Six whole months of darkness, despair, and Facebook live. Finally, I was close, my body ached from the tension I obviously have been carrying in anticipation for tonight. Number one worry? The PA. After six months of dusting about, will it turn on? Never have the legendary Half Moon in Putney been quiet for this long since it opened in 1963. Never did the people of southwest London have to wait this long to book a ticket. Never had the regular drinkers stayed this long without a pint from the polished bar and never did the musicians wait this long without a gig.

It’s stand-up tonight and I am introducing the MC. I have written my little intro and I am anxiously waiting for the latecomers to arrive. I have always hated this part, this limbo place, where the background music is playing and everything is ready. I guess I should tell you at this point, the PA works, the lights work and the mixer is turned on. Yey! I take a breath hoping I won’t have that awkward silence. That one is when the audience thinks it’s starting, but it’s just the silence between the song and the next one. Hate when that happens!

The gig starts. I make people cheer twice and off we go. Tonight the audience is mainly older men, maybe because of the headliner, and I can tell they don’t get the first young woman comedian. It is a really difficult and mixed audience. We are capped at 50 people, and if there’s a lot of tables of two.  Normally, we would squeeze in 120 chairs in this old little dark venue. So when she speaks of jeans that break in the crotch because she’s fat, I cackle loudly in the back. I got you and I get you. I chat with her during the break, we give each other a follow on Instagram and a bond was created between us two. Being self-employed in the arts can be lonely and this year has had us lonelier than ever.

A quick break, the main act, and all of a sudden it was over. I’m exhausted! The tension has made my bodywork so hard and I can’t wait to get home. I’m toying with the idea of doing yoga when I get home, but deep down inside, I know I will eat snacks and go to bed.

Tired, I sit here waiting for the punters to finish their drinks, but I don’t have the heart to turn off the music. They are enjoying themselves and ordering more. This will be their first event of the year. Today is the 20th of May, and only days ago the UK lifted its indoor event restrictions. I hereby deem this opening night a success and bite into a couple of days old gas station chicken wrap. My stomach welcomes the familiar taste and reminds me to bring food from home to my next shift. In a bit, I will fade the music out, turn off the amps and get on the bus to take me home.

 

Learning New Skills

 

So I learnt a new skill. Or rather, I improved a skill I haven’t used since university. I learnt it from a man called John and he was, in my opinion, the best tutor we had. He had a PhD and taught us about the avant-garde world of music and presented us with new ideas. “Will a tree make a sound if it falls in the forest if no one is there to hear it?” and other fundamentals of sound and sonic art. If you want to learn more there’s a book John swore by called The Digital Musician by Andrew Hugill.

KUDAC, Kingston University Digital Arts Collective, was a place where both students and teachers participated in creating textures and sounds. There John taught us how to circuit bend PCB boards and manipulate them in audio programming software like Pure Data and Max MSP. To expand what we thought of as music and sound and perform with it. He was my mentor so when he left to teach at Brown University in my second year I felt lost. All the sonic art and circuit bending seemed like I had tried to impress my mentor rather than learning some useful skills. However, today I believe that his work got me thinking of sound in such a different way, that it ended up changing my music and my work as a sound engineer. To think outside the box and try things out, no matter how crazy it may seem.

The practical skill I’m talking about is soldering. It is a fundamental skill for any sound engineer, and very useful. A skill I have been lacking in. This is why I recently took SoundGirls online workshop and now have a whole pile of fixed cables at home. It was so much fun to be taught by someone else, who also is a woman. A great deal of my own education was done by men and all my engineering colleagues are men too. She was understanding and encouraging throughout the session and not only taught me the basics but also shared her own tricks. My cables have been screaming for some serious TLC and I am so grateful to now be able to fix them myself.

Soldering has been the one skill I have envied in my male colleague’s skill set, and it’s always set us apart. Thanks to the SoundGirls workshop I have now taken another step towards confidence and equality. To show that I can do everything he can.

Confidence may not be something one can teach, it’s something that needs time to grow and requires a willingness to evolve. So I commend SoundGirls for equipping women all over the world with skills that will foster confidence in an environment that feels safe. At a young age, I was told that no question is too stupid to ask. I took it to heart and it has set me apart from my colleagues and classmates that were too proud to ask for help. So, whatever questions you may have, know that we are always here to answer them, no matter how small, stupid or silly you may think it is, we don’t think so.

 

Taking Leaps

Last year was definitely a leap year. A hop, a jump, or a leap, people I have met have spoken of big and small changes. Since the salons are closed, they found themselves standing in the bathroom and taking scissors to their hair. In spite of it being risky, they quit their stable job. They planned their move out of the city. Bought something new, even though money was tight. They took breaks from their families with the purpose of recharging.

Throughout 2021 we will continue to process what happened, the uncertainty and worries that came into the light over the past year.

Yet I want to look ahead, or at least drive and power myself and others forward. Preserve the strength that arose from desperation and the contemplation you only find at the bottom. Because once we hit that, there’s a turn. I have recently learnt about technical analysis in markets and once you understand that whenever something goes up, it will always always have a corrective period. As in what goes up, must come down. At all times, it turns.

Like what my mum always used to say, go to bed and you will see it feels better tomorrow. There’s nothing like a new day to give you a fresh perspective. A new day to boost your confidence, fortify your thoughts, and see a problem with different eyes. It may seem like a strange expression, “different eyes”, since they don’t change, but we do.

So what are the leaps you will take this year? I’m not talking about goals like “I’m going to eat healthy” or “I will run a 10K this year”. Instead, what are your fears and how can you challenge them?

I have now been sick and injured for about two months, and as I sit at the kitchen table looking out at the world outside, my latest challenge is to be part of it. We are all waiting for life to resume, tours to go back on the road, and tickets to go on sale. Simultaneously we have to face the facts of the new normal and that we might never return to how it used to be. One synonym to resume is “restart”, and if I could offer a different perspective I would prefer to use this verb. Right now, as spring is kicking earth back to life, is a chance at a restart, back-to-school edition. Like when you came back from holidays and you weren’t sure if you’d still fit in. What if the other kids had changed… Well, I really hope that when we restart, others will see me and recognise I’m different. Because I have worked hard for a great deal of change, to reform my thoughts on how I want to live my life. My own giant leaps. What will be yours?

 

Sound Cookbook for Creative Exercise

In any artistic discipline, it is important to do creative exercises to strengthen skills, play, and expand your practice. For writers, there are countless books and websites entirely devoted to writing prompts. The same goes for other disciplines. For theatrical or film sound design, however, finding exercises is much more difficult. There are music composition exercises and prompts available which can be helpful but they don’t necessarily extend to all of the skills and methods that we need to practice. Making up brief exercises I can use as a sort of warm-up is an interesting and, typically, fun task but there are two issues that I run into with crafting my own prompt. Sometimes I sit down and want to get straight to the point without the frustration of having to create something in order to create something. Other times it is the exact opposite; I spend all of the time I’ve allotted creating a sound design exercise rather than completing one.

We are not necessarily accustomed to warming up in the same way a musician or actor might nor are we always afforded the opportunity to do so. When possible, it is helpful to flex those sound design muscles beyond our main projects. In the past year, with far less design work than I typically have, I have found it more essential than ever to practice my craft in any way I can. The natural solution to this problem is to compile a collection of exercises to have on hand and I’ve been doing just that. Up until this point, I’ve been stashing away little prompts for myself. Now I’m working on editing them into the form of recipes in the hopes of creating a more flexible set of exercises that could suit a variety of sound designers and artists in their individual practices.

One creative exercise of sorts that I already practice every day is cooking. It’s an outlet I love, not to mention something I absolutely need to do to sustain myself. With cooking, I always have someplace to start whether it be a recipe or the contents of my refrigerator. Having that sort of base makes it easier to get started and then I can make any adjustments and substitutions I want or just go off the rails completely. Then of course I get to share that food with others, enjoy it together, and then it’s gone. When I realized that this practice that is already a part of my day-to-day life is quite similar to how I want my sound design exercises to function, I decided to turn the prompts I was devising into recipes.

Framing these prompts as open-ended sound “recipes” takes some of the pressure off of the exercise. Like a good, dependable, encyclopedic cookbook (think The New Basics or The Joy of Cooking) I hope for these recipes to be simple, adaptable, and repeatable. The instructions are meant to be followed to your own taste rather than strictly adhered to. Use the tools you have and the methods that interest you. They are also meant to be created for the purpose of enjoyment and creative nourishment only once, without any need to revisit and replay it. You can, of course, always follow the recipe and cook up another batch of sounds at any time. And if it suits you, you can always cook with others and share the experience.

The recipe below is an example. It is intentionally broad, but you can always return to the item -saltwater taffy in this case – for inspiration or guidance. Don’t overthink it! If you feel inclined to try it out, I hope it provides you with enough direction to get started and spend a few minutes creating, combining, and manipulating sounds in an unexpected and pleasurable way.

Salt Water Taffy

Makes 35 seconds of sound taffy

Preparation time: 5 minutes

Cook time: 15 minutes

Ingredients:

1 (5 sec.) recording of water (any variety)

2 (1 sec.) purely digital sounds

1 (to taste) recording of something within 5 feet of you

Flavoring of your choice

Instructions:

  1. If you are recording your water sound, take no more than 1.5 minutes to do so. Otherwise, choose a found or previously recorded water sound. Stretch to length (35 sec.). Adjust pitch however you like.
  2. Take one of your 1-second digital sounds and cut it into quarters. Then sprinkle throughout.
  3. Take your second digital sample and use to add rhythm to the piece.
  4. Record whatever you select within 5 feet of yourself. Process using 2-5 different manipulations. Add to the mix, then listen back and adjust to your liking.
  5. Finally, to add flavoring, identify what is missing and add something with a sweet and tangy taste. Be as liberal or sparing as you’d like.
  6. Enjoy!

 

 

 

Empowering Manifestations

 

I’m tense but in a strangely positive way. I can feel my muscles contract until they ache. So much of my body is already hurt, I don’t even notice the extra pressure. The kind of hurt that comes from being ill for a month and the violent cough caused me to pop and bruise my ribs. Even though the pain is excruciating and the painkillers I got from the hospital do the trick, the added pressure is something different. I have a project happening that is so intoxicating. Let me just give you the background first.

In the summer I was not well, mentally I was not able to cope on my own. Being a bit of a proud character, I struggle to ask for help. Work, friends, directions, I have no problem asking for help, but when it comes to me, I am too proud and probably insecure. Being a woman in a male-dominated industry only enforces this idea of not needing help.

 “I can do it as well as my colleagues! I shouldn’t need to prove myself!” 

So recently when my best friend told me that I need to stop being in pain and call an ambulance I just gave in and did it. Since the summer I’ve learned to accept help when it’s offered and trust my instincts. This brings me to today’s good news. In the summer I manifested a dream I’ve had since my teens of being on the radio, I created my podcast @anditwentlikethispodcast. Now I’ve actualised another goal I set out in the summer when it all seemed so bleak and I thought I should re-educate myself to a dog therapist. I wanted to produce radio and podcasts. I started working with brilliant women’s network Her Hustle last year and now we are making a podcast together for a client. You guessed it, I am recording, editing, and producing it!

Not only is this the first substantial project and income I will have had in almost a year, but it is also a huge goal. I want to celebrate and scream about it! So here I am, writing this post bragging because I am proud of myself. So proud! 

“Hm… maybe there are good sides to pride after all…”

Finally, my thoughts go out to you and what you are wrestling with right now. It will get better, I believe it so hard that hopefully, you can feel it too. I want to advocate for the power of manifestations and defining your goals. I never truly believed in it, but I did take steps that were in my power, to create my first stride towards it. That is the force of manifesting and empowering yourself. So slow down and make it your time. Set your own manifestations, tell others about your goals, and figure out what you can do tomorrow. Celebrate your little victories and have the courage to be proud.

 

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